


Absolution

by aschicca



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, gapfiller for 2x02, pov fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 09:25:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2186418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschicca/pseuds/aschicca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian’s thoughts during the “it wasn’t your fault” scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> Just a tiny little thing I wrote almost 5 years ago for a challenge...

_“It wasn’t your fault.”_

Justin’s declaration had at first come from behind me. I had just finished forcing myself to let out everything I didn’t seem to be able to forget about that fucked up night that could have been the beginning of something, and almost was the end of everything. And that was the moment when he’d first said it. _‘It wasn’t your fault.’_

How could I believe those words? Bullshit. Words are bullshit.

But after that Justin had placed himself in front of me, he had hesitantly touched my shoulder and looked at me, eyes pained but clear, voice firm, willing me to look into his eyes. To believe him. To believe.

“It wasn’t your fault.” A gentle squeeze, a tiny shake, a look that said more than any word could ever say.

And I did. I looked at him, seeing him whole and well and alive. Alive. I looked at him intently, almost like I was seeing him for the first time. And maybe I was. The Justin I had in front of me was someone new. Scared, yes; hurt, yes; angry, yes… but so strong. So fucking strong and brave. 

On my face the hint of a smile, the first real one to appear on my lips since that night, that dance, that ‘later’ blown out in a kiss while we leaned on the side of my jeep. 

And then he was in my arms. I couldn’t miss the careful way he used while getting close to me, I knew what caused it… the nurse who filled me in with his progress every night had told me that he couldn’t stand to be touched. He didn’t even allow his _mother_ to get too close. Yet here he was, in my arms, holding me close. Comforting me.

He was the victim, the one who had suffered, the one who got hurt. But in that moment he was the stronger one, the one giving _me_ strength. Showing me he trusted me… so much that he was willing to let me have him in my arms.

The tension left my body, my eyes struggled to remain open but in the end they closed and I inhaled deeply. His scent filled my nostrils and for the first time in God knows how long I felt peace. Absolution.

I’m still not entirely sure if I can let myself believe what his words and his body are telling me. I probably never will. Because in a way it _was_ my fault, no matter what everyone says. No matter what _he_ says. I know it. I shouldn’t have gone there. I knew there were a lot of homophobic assholes in that fucking school. I should have known. I should have seen it coming. I should have protected him. 

I didn’t protect him, I didn’t save him, and I doubt I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that. 

I thought he wouldn’t either. I thought he was better off without me and that, as soon as he was again well enough to go home, he would see reason and understand that I was more troubles than I was worth. Always have been. For everyone, really. My father, my mother, Debbie… Michael. And Justin.

Instead the first thing this boy did was to come looking for me. Talk to me. Look at me with those fucking blue eyes I had seldom been able to resist. The first thing Justin had done was to forgive me… no, that’s not right. He didn’t forgive me. He firmly stated that there was nothing to forgive because _it wasn’t my fault_. 

We stood there, holding each other for a long time. And maybe, if I have his absolution, if I can believe that he doesn’t hold me responsible for failing him, in time I can learn to forgive myself too.

Maybe.


End file.
